The Evolution of Tony

Part two of the letter......

Towards the end of the time that I wrote the majority of my poetry, I began to shave my head. I always lit a candle for D., and I would begin a sort of ritual in which I would slowly, carefully begin to shave away all my hair. For some reason it seemed to make me feel new and clean. Sometimes I would even find some old memories I thought I had forgotten. When I was done shaving, I could blow out the candle, and go to sleep feeling totally relaxed and good about my life. The next day I would wake up with a positive outlook on life, one that I had been struggling to see for quite some time.

A few months later, I began to read about meditation and the ways to be at peace with your existence. Occasionally I tried to meditate, and it seemed to help me focus my thoughts on nothing, and just relax. Eventually I got to the point where I could bring myself to a level where all I had to do was to simply breathe. At last I was beginning to understand my inner peace. I then began to get curious about this religion that brought me this meditation. I started to read about Buddhism and the Buddhist belief system. It wasn't hard for me to relate to the words I was reading, and the feelings they portrayed.

Over the last couple of years, my belief in Jesus has slowly dwindled away to nothing. A couple of weeks ago I kneeled down to my knees, lit a candle for D., and offered one last and final prayer to Jesus. I asked him to forgive me if I was wrong, but I had to do what I felt was right. I had lost my faith in him, and I needed to find faith in something else. I just wasn't able to believe that he took D. away from us and I wouldn't be able to find out why. I needed some answers about why we are here and why we leave, and what we are supposed to do in the meantime. I couldn't find the answers through Christianity, but I did find relief in Buddhism.

I feel as if I have dropped a huge boulder off of my shoulders, and also from the bottom of my heart. I have confessed and acknowledged to myself that I am now a Buddhist. People may wonder how or why, but that is all irrelevant. In fact, the only change others may be able to detect is the more frequent smile on my face, and the lack of hair on my head, but to me the changes on the inside are tremendous.